Diffusing Difficult Conversations

A crowdsourced lesson — with an introduction

Recently, I turned to my twitter followers to see if they had any tips on how to turn down the temperature on heated conversations. After all, when conversations escalate, people tend to stop listening—and get too emotional to think clearly. So, the conversation stops.

Now one might think that the source of the anger is due to disagreement, but often conflict actually arises because people feel unheard and misunderstood. Those are things that can be easily addressed without having to necessarily agree.

That said, while figuring out points of agreement may be difficult, if you can find some real things to agree on, no matter how small, it helps your conversational partner view you less as opposition and more as a partner. That way you can begin to explore together, rather than argue.

Phrases like: “I can see where you’re coming from…” “That’s an interesting perspective,” and “thank you for sharing with me,” are all good additions to your toolkit. Repeat to them what you think you’ve understood from their comments, both reinforcing that you’ve been actively listening and giving them a chance to correct themselves if needed. Focus on what the person is saying, rather than the person themselves. Treat them as if you assume that their intentions are good (eg. “I know you’re coming from a good place and didn’t mean to be hurtful…”). The more you can keep yourself grounded, slow-paced, and relaxed, the more it will positively affect the other person too.

But I did say that this was a crowdsourced lesson, so, here are some of my favorite responses:

ThinkItThrough @ThinkItThroug17

@mysteriouskat Do not assert facts, try to turn the discussion to methodology...how should we decide a question like this? Make the methodological question abstract, if possible. Oddly, asserting facts, even if true, seems to harden positions.

Uta Gröschel @utagro

@mysteriouskat Conversations get heated when you strayed too far away from common ground. At this point, you need to go backwards and look for anything you can agree on (a moral value …)

Rookwrite @Montewashere

@mysteriouskat I try saying, “I could be wrong.” Remembering that I might be wrong creates a little room within for connection and humor to be okay.

Nathalie Martinek PhD @NatsforDocs

@mysteriouskat -acknowledge the temperature of the convo -suggest we take a break or change topics -crack jokes -tap dance -say this convo isn’t fun anymore and you don’t want to have it -accidentally hang up on them or some other interruption to cut the tension

Steven Steele @MrStevenSteele_

@mysteriouskat I use blanket statements like, “a lot of people feel very passionately about this topic.” And “I can see how strongly you feel about this, thanks for sharing.”😂

SuperPsi @luccina12

@mysteriouskat Validate their position; it is of course, true for them. Validation does not equal acceptance of their view, but it honours their right to have it.

Marcos Boyington 🧢⬆️ @iBringBalance

@StrangelEdweird @mysteriouskat Another really important one: ask questions to better understand & genuinely listen Often times conversations get contentious when both sides are trying to be right instead of trying to understand

Thomas Beresford @ManxTommyb

@mysteriouskat "it seems as though this is something you care about on a very deep level, and I love seeing someone passionate about something. Would you be against telling me more about why it touches you so personally?"

The World According to Atom @atommiller

@mysteriouskat Breathe deep. Tell the person you feel like you're getting overly worked up and you value their relationship far more (assuming this is true) than what you're discussing. Ask if you can discuss another time when you've had a chance to cool down.

mikey @firstmikeyOG

@mysteriouskat Label emotion. Always. “It seems like this topic is deeply personal”

Inspire @inspireTKK

@mysteriouskat keep asking them questions on why they think the way they do and understand how they think they way they are. Then ask them something to make their brain think and if they dont know the answer, educate them and ask them what they think. Most times their brain fizzle out

Karen Wong @klwong43

@mysteriouskat My standard mantra is “Tell me more.” And then tilt my head to the side and listen. At the next break in the convo, “Tell me more.” Eventually they hear themselves talking and get straightened out.

B. 📚🐾 @ebvwilkerson

@mysteriouskat Just say, “That’s very interesting.” They know you’ve heard them, yet you’ve conceded nothing.

Curtis Johnson @cjohnson999

@mysteriouskat 1) Humor 2) Agree to disagree 3) Change the subject (even in an obvious way) 4) Sincerely tell someone you'd rather maintain a friendship than try to win an arguement 5) Challenge to a duel (*see either #1 or #3)

Patrick Lee Miller @Plato4Now

@mmeJen @mysteriouskat Make a joke. Not the same as ridicule. Get everyone laughing. Laughing juries don’t convict.

And, when all else fails:

Pigbirdjetfan @PigbirdJetFan

@mysteriouskat Blatant change of topic: "So ... do you like puppies?"

E. W. @the_lost_hawk

@mysteriouskat Just say, "I like macaroni" and continue on with something else.

肉肉 🇺🇲🇨🇦 @tuttleryandavid

@mysteriouskat Say SUPRISE and throw confetti at them 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Bentley PoorCorgiActor @PoorCorgiActor

@mysteriouskat

Also highly recommend reading this piece by the always thoughtful Angel Eduardo with three additional tips!