Are the kids alright?
I have to confess: Growing up as the child of Eastern European parents, I couldn't help but notice the stark contrast in parenting styles between Eastern and Western cultures. Western parents often seemed to place their children on pedestals, celebrating even the smallest achievements on social media and indulging their every whim. They were unimpeachable. It was as if the children were the ones in charge, dictating the family dynamics.
‘The kids know best was the underlying sentiment. “I’m learning so much from my daughter,” they’d proudly proclaim.
Whatever they want they get. “You want to go to a school with an annual tuition of $50k? Sure, I’ll take out a second mortgage and get a second job.” And the kids didn’t seem to mind that one bit. (Does it seem like a bit of reinforced narcissism, or is that just me?)
At least that was the general impression I got.
The portrayal of Western parenting in movies, where where the dad would get shamed in some big speech for paying too much attention to work obligations resulting in missing his kids’ baseball games didn’t help my dissuade my perception.
While I can't claim to know what truly happens behind closed doors, it often seemed like the children were leading the parents, rather than the other way around.
This might help explain a generation that appears to be marked by a sense of entitlement and a reluctance to accept criticism. Watching young people today, it's hard not to wonder if their upbringing inadvertently played a role in shaping their attitudes and behaviors.
Is it jealousy rearing its ugly head? Maybe. I’m not beyond such pettiness. But I’m not exactly complaining about my own upbringing. While not perfect, I think it was useful. My parents always tried to help me when I truly needed their assistance and I never took it for granted. And they’ve been quick to voice their disagreements when they happened—which, growing up “teenager,” was often. Many such cases, as they say.
Reflecting on my own upbringing, I recognize that my parents demanded a lot from me, perhaps even too much at times. Their tactics softened over the years—after all, as young parents they were still figuring this parenting thing out. Yet, their approach instilled in me a sense of personal responsibility and a humility to acknowledge that I don't have all the answers. I'm grateful for that.
As I watch many young people today, they seem so certain of their positions. They consider criticism mean, or hurtful. They feel like they deserve so much off the gate, without having earned it. They believe that they deserve to be listened to when they haven’t spent sufficient time listening to others.
Maybe I’m just becoming a grumpy old woman riling up against the “kids,” but I can’t help but wonder if how they were raised inadvertently contributed to a certain sense of entitlement? Did it deprive them of resilience? The ability to listen to dissenting voices?
While I was not without my own brand of arrogance as a young person—the kind that comes from being called “wise for her years” and “precocious” too many times—I’ve always been curious to learn from those more experienced and knowledgeable than I.
While I don’t believe that age alone dictates who is wiser, life experience certainly is a good tutor. And, there are a number of topics so complex that it would take a lifetime to adequately comprehend them, which is why we rely on those with earned expertise to make sense of certain things.
Perhaps there's a middle ground to be found with children and young people. While they should feel supported, safe, and nurtured—they should also be challenged, encouraged to take personal responsibility and be taught resiliency. Helping your kids is important, but so is having them work for certain things on their own. And if they get a leg up, nurturing a healthy appreciation is critical—rather than taking their parents’ generosity for granted.
That balance is the “good parent elixir,” I imagine.
Likewise, too many parents complain about the schools they send their kids to and the amount of brainwashing their kids endure there. But it is the responsibility of the parents to arm their kids with the tools against ideological manipulation and brainwashing—which, by the way, has likely happened in schools in one direction or another, for all of history of schools.
What are these tools?
The ability to disagree with “authority,” without being rude, for starters. (Many adults can stand to learn this too).
Critical and independent thinking are other important ones to add to one’s arsenal.
Self-education too. Kids shouldn’t rely on teachers alone to be informed. They should verify what they learn in class and expand their knowledge.
A sense of curiosity and the ability to explore things from multiple perspectives are important too.
There’s more of course, but these are the basic golden standard.
When a child can do these things, what a teacher says in class may spark their curiosity or inform them, but it won’t dominate and override their own free mind.
Eventually, sooner than we think, kids become adults. And then they run not only their worlds, but all of ours. Give them a better start and model the behaviors you’d like them to reflect.
Kids will always be rebellious and think they know certain things better (and, occasionally, they do), but they still require structure and guidance from their parents, while also feeling emotionally and physically safe with them. If they don’t acquire this, they don’t always grow out of the “phase” and become functional adults.
By fostering a culture of curiosity, self-education, and respectful dissent, we empower the next generation to become autonomous, thoughtful and curious thinkers, who are capable of healthy disagreement and taking on personal responsibility.
Order my book, No Apologies: How to Find and Free Your Voice in the Age of Outrage―Lessons for the Silenced Majority —speaking up today is more important than ever.
NOTE TO READERS:
Thank you for keeping me company. Although I try to make many posts public and available for free access, to ensure sustainability and future growth—if you can—please consider becoming a paid subscriber. In addition to supporting my work, it will also give you access to an archive of member-only posts. And if you’re already a paid subscriber, THANK YOU!
☕️ By popular request, you can also support my work by making a one-off donation via Buy Me a Coffee.
You say it well!
I raised an American family in Bethesda. Over my impotent objections, the schools, the neighbors, the therapists and the rest of the family dictated the American-style upbringing you describe. The tally:
Eldest living on the streets (diagnosed with ADHD, tactile defensiveness, etc. I suspect it adds up to something on the autism spectrum. Middle child, daughter, unsuccessful in relationships, problem with alcohol, dead at 39 of the vax. Youngest child cut me off 15 years ago, resolutely single feminist at 35.
Now the upside. Three lovely young Eastern European children. The three-year-old is happily unbuttoning my shirt as I type this. They understand the word "no," which they hear with appropriate frequency. They understand bedtime. They get spanked when they need it, and told mom and dad love them all the time. There is no perfect regime for raising kids, but as you say, you did pretty well.
I bought your book after reading your article and have recommended it to many. You are a shining light.