I have to confess: Growing up as the child of Eastern European parents, I couldn't help but notice the stark contrast in parenting styles between Eastern and Western cultures.
I'm going to write a lengthy musing on this topic as it occupies my mind often as a parent of very young children, and also because writing it is an enjoyable exercise for me to gather my thoughts: My personal opinion is that the pendulum is well on the back-swing against these excesses of liberal parenting in which no boundaries are set on children and they are treated as wise sages to which parents must defer in all things. That type of parenting is pretty roundly and regularly mocked these days, for example, in the Canadian sitcom Workin Moms, if you've seen it, and that show is definitely portraying four liberal women in Toronto who contend with many of these trends. One of them talks about her "daughter's shitty art", in another they complain at length about how ridiculous it is that they can't use "the N word" ("No"). For what shows are worth as indicators of prevailing winds.
I think parenting is a lot more intuitive than most people realize. Without setting out to have any particular style at all, what I am more practicing with my 2-year-old is closest to the style called "gentle parenting" online. I pay close attention to my son's cues and needs and I try to acknowledge and respond to them, but I also don't let him ride completely roughshod over me or do whatever he wants. If he does or tries to do something really unacceptable, like hitting me or hitting another kid, or sticking his hand on a hot stove, or throwing something of a size and in a direction such that it could do real damage like break a window or our TV, then we very forcefully intervene. Not with screaming and yelling, but with firm words, and with firm but not excessive physical force. This has proven more than sufficient to get the message across to him that that behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated, without screaming and yelling or going nuts (which is what I experienced under an authoritative parenting style growing up). The goal for me is to use the minimum amount of force necessary to influence him to behave the way he should, but I won't let him do crazy stuff without consequences.
I do not try to stop him from doing most disorderly behaviors at his age because much of what he's doing, while it makes a mess, is normal exploratory behavior for a toddler. For example, he constantly throws objects across the room, fiddles with things, gets into stuff, sweeps surfaces clear of all their objects. I only stop him from doing this if he is going to spill a drink or something, but I don't stop him if he's just going to knock a bunch of books on the floor. If it's not truly creating a problem, I don't want to stop him because he won't understand and he'll just learn that his parents are unreliable and will scream at him for random and incomprehensible reasons.
There is sometimes tension when my mother, who raised me in a screaming-and-yelling authoritative, that's-just-how-it's-done way. My mom thinks we are total creampuff ultra-liberal parents, which we don't think we are. We think we're just being reasonable. But anyway, the last time she was at my house, for example, she wanted us to give our 2-year-old a timeout for throwing a pretzel across the room. We almost laughed at her a timeout is obviously something a child his age cannot remotely understand. She thinks we're hippies, I think. But what I remember about being a kid was my mom was constantly yelling at me all the time about things that didn't matter.
My mother in her authoritative parenting style really did not show any curiosity whatsoever about the kind of person and mind I was becoming, and this is a big part of my psyche. She just wanted to instruct me on how to behave and then send me along my way. My sons will definitely get more engaged interest in who they are, along with some firm instruction and rules where necessary and comprehensible to them, and I will do my best not to saddle them with my own neuroses by being a well examined and mature parent who can engage with them for what they need rather than having everything revolve around my personal (narcissistic?) psychological needs.
Given how closely you get to know your kid, you can tell when they are able to understand different types of things. It is not difficult. I therefore think many much earlier generations took things much too far in the authoritative direction. However, I do also think it's the case that there are some parents who took permissiveness way too far, and I will certainly not be doing that. He has to learn to respect other people and his elders, but that's a bridge to cross when he's older than he is now.
I raised an American family in Bethesda. Over my impotent objections, the schools, the neighbors, the therapists and the rest of the family dictated the American-style upbringing you describe. The tally:
Eldest living on the streets (diagnosed with ADHD, tactile defensiveness, etc. I suspect it adds up to something on the autism spectrum. Middle child, daughter, unsuccessful in relationships, problem with alcohol, dead at 39 of the vax. Youngest child cut me off 15 years ago, resolutely single feminist at 35.
Now the upside. Three lovely young Eastern European children. The three-year-old is happily unbuttoning my shirt as I type this. They understand the word "no," which they hear with appropriate frequency. They understand bedtime. They get spanked when they need it, and told mom and dad love them all the time. There is no perfect regime for raising kids, but as you say, you did pretty well.
I'm going to write a lengthy musing on this topic as it occupies my mind often as a parent of very young children, and also because writing it is an enjoyable exercise for me to gather my thoughts: My personal opinion is that the pendulum is well on the back-swing against these excesses of liberal parenting in which no boundaries are set on children and they are treated as wise sages to which parents must defer in all things. That type of parenting is pretty roundly and regularly mocked these days, for example, in the Canadian sitcom Workin Moms, if you've seen it, and that show is definitely portraying four liberal women in Toronto who contend with many of these trends. One of them talks about her "daughter's shitty art", in another they complain at length about how ridiculous it is that they can't use "the N word" ("No"). For what shows are worth as indicators of prevailing winds.
I think parenting is a lot more intuitive than most people realize. Without setting out to have any particular style at all, what I am more practicing with my 2-year-old is closest to the style called "gentle parenting" online. I pay close attention to my son's cues and needs and I try to acknowledge and respond to them, but I also don't let him ride completely roughshod over me or do whatever he wants. If he does or tries to do something really unacceptable, like hitting me or hitting another kid, or sticking his hand on a hot stove, or throwing something of a size and in a direction such that it could do real damage like break a window or our TV, then we very forcefully intervene. Not with screaming and yelling, but with firm words, and with firm but not excessive physical force. This has proven more than sufficient to get the message across to him that that behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated, without screaming and yelling or going nuts (which is what I experienced under an authoritative parenting style growing up). The goal for me is to use the minimum amount of force necessary to influence him to behave the way he should, but I won't let him do crazy stuff without consequences.
I do not try to stop him from doing most disorderly behaviors at his age because much of what he's doing, while it makes a mess, is normal exploratory behavior for a toddler. For example, he constantly throws objects across the room, fiddles with things, gets into stuff, sweeps surfaces clear of all their objects. I only stop him from doing this if he is going to spill a drink or something, but I don't stop him if he's just going to knock a bunch of books on the floor. If it's not truly creating a problem, I don't want to stop him because he won't understand and he'll just learn that his parents are unreliable and will scream at him for random and incomprehensible reasons.
There is sometimes tension when my mother, who raised me in a screaming-and-yelling authoritative, that's-just-how-it's-done way. My mom thinks we are total creampuff ultra-liberal parents, which we don't think we are. We think we're just being reasonable. But anyway, the last time she was at my house, for example, she wanted us to give our 2-year-old a timeout for throwing a pretzel across the room. We almost laughed at her a timeout is obviously something a child his age cannot remotely understand. She thinks we're hippies, I think. But what I remember about being a kid was my mom was constantly yelling at me all the time about things that didn't matter.
My mother in her authoritative parenting style really did not show any curiosity whatsoever about the kind of person and mind I was becoming, and this is a big part of my psyche. She just wanted to instruct me on how to behave and then send me along my way. My sons will definitely get more engaged interest in who they are, along with some firm instruction and rules where necessary and comprehensible to them, and I will do my best not to saddle them with my own neuroses by being a well examined and mature parent who can engage with them for what they need rather than having everything revolve around my personal (narcissistic?) psychological needs.
Given how closely you get to know your kid, you can tell when they are able to understand different types of things. It is not difficult. I therefore think many much earlier generations took things much too far in the authoritative direction. However, I do also think it's the case that there are some parents who took permissiveness way too far, and I will certainly not be doing that. He has to learn to respect other people and his elders, but that's a bridge to cross when he's older than he is now.
Once in a while one comes across an article that just groks the issue without saying a word too much or too little. This is one of the best.
What a lovely comment, truly.
You say it well!
I raised an American family in Bethesda. Over my impotent objections, the schools, the neighbors, the therapists and the rest of the family dictated the American-style upbringing you describe. The tally:
Eldest living on the streets (diagnosed with ADHD, tactile defensiveness, etc. I suspect it adds up to something on the autism spectrum. Middle child, daughter, unsuccessful in relationships, problem with alcohol, dead at 39 of the vax. Youngest child cut me off 15 years ago, resolutely single feminist at 35.
Now the upside. Three lovely young Eastern European children. The three-year-old is happily unbuttoning my shirt as I type this. They understand the word "no," which they hear with appropriate frequency. They understand bedtime. They get spanked when they need it, and told mom and dad love them all the time. There is no perfect regime for raising kids, but as you say, you did pretty well.
I bought your book after reading your article and have recommended it to many. You are a shining light.
Thank you so much! I hope you enjoy the book.
So true. I’ve often thought about this especially with having grandchildren and looking back to your own childhood.
Do you find that the parenting style has changed?
Yes definitely it has as it used to be much stricter when I was young. Not just with parents but also at school.