Dying of loneliness
Every day people are literally dying of loneliness.
Perhaps that’s not the best way to start a missive, but it’s true. It’s depressing because it’s true.
Loneliness affects everyone, but it has been identified by researchers as a risk factor for mortality in men in particular. One study notes that it is “unclear whether living alone causes an increased mortality or whether predisposition for increased mortality is responsible for men living alone.” It was found that there’s an “increased post-acute myocardial infarction mortality for persons who live alone.” In other words, an increased likelihood of a heart attack.
A large study in Nature further seems to confirm this. According to the study, those who experienced social isolation had a 32% higher risk of dying early from any cause. Participants who reported feelings of loneliness, were 14% more likely to die early. Having a limited social network may also mean that you have less people pestering you to see a doctor for a medical issue, or noticing changes of significance in you.
In a 2022 paper from Johns Hopkins University it was also noted that socially isolated older adults had a higher chance of developing dementia.
Being socially isolated doesn’t always lead to feeling lonely, of course, and people can feel rather lonely despite being surrounded by others—particularly when those connections aren’t strong and authentic enough. Loneliness overrides your system. Literally. Scientists have found that there’s a “sort of signature” on the brains of lonely people. The default mode network, which is especially involved in reminiscing, daydreaming about the future, and reflecting, is more active. Also common with people who are living with depression or anxiety. Some self-reflection is healthy, but too much—especially combined with negative self-talk—and we’re got a problem.
A broken heart is a manifestation of loneliness too. It results in not only negative emotional states, but also physical ones like inflammation and anxiety—because if you think about it, it represents the loss of the closest “community” you’ve had.
In South Korea, 85 percent of deaths of those who died alone were of middle-aged men. It apparently took an average of more than three weeks for the bodies to be found—often discovered when the tenant was behind on their rent or not answering the landlord. The number of “lonely deaths” has been increasing there.
Loneliness seems to be more common amongst men. A YouGov poll conducted in the UK showed that nearly one in five men (18 per cent) don’t have a single close friend. One in three (32 per cent) said that they didn’t have a best friend. For women the rates were 12 and 24 per cent—not so low either.
It’s been increasing in young people too.
The reality is that we have an increasingly lonely society, and we don’t spend much time talking about it, let alone addressing it in any meaningful way. The pandemic didn’t help. The dissolution of communities didn’t help. The boxes most of us have moved into didn’t help. And Social media / the Internet certainly don’t help either. And, sometimes, you just can’t connect with anyone in a way that can fill the void and you don’t quite even know why.
It’s lurking in the shadows, this feeling of an emptiness that cannot be satisfied. It claws at you until you give up. You go to bed early just so that you don’t have to experience it a moment longer than you should. Or, you go out drinking in crowded spaces in hopes of suffocating it. Only it always feels worse later. Always.
The World Health Organization launched a commission on social connection in 2023. They referred to loneliness as a “pressing health threat” on a global scale.
There are numerous articles and studies, and some signals of governmental initiatives to address this — but despite this, it feels like things are only getting worse. The messages I get on a daily basis are good indicators of this. Many people have given up, succumbing to their permanent state of loneliness.
People discuss social issues and politics a lot, but it feels like we avert our gaze when it comes to topics like this one. Humans often don’t know how to deal with the emotional suffering of other humans. Perhaps if we ignore it…it won’t exist. But it does, and it affects millions of people.
So what can we do?
Perhaps it starts with normalizing discourse about this. Make it okay for people to share their feelings without having to stir the conversation away, or make light of things. Men in particular struggle with sharing their emotions. We need to be adults and talk about these things, and not expect people to just be “strong” and lift themselves up. Not everyone can. Sometimes people just want to be heard, not fixed.
We need to work on strengthening our social infrastructure. We need more public spaces where people can meet and form legitimate connections. Perhaps introduce intellectual salons into urban environments? Create more gathering spaces. Public educational programs or skill-based workshops that can allow people to meet while learning something or exploring a passion.
We need to rethink our digital environments. I don’t know how yet, but having paid attention in one of my classes in university, I appreciate the complex relationship between interface design and humanity. Better designs can shift our entire way of communicating.
We need to cultivate deeper connections and more authentic relationships. We cannot do that with everyone, and I feel like in today’s world we can become connected to so many people that we end up maintaining only superficial relationships instead of investing in a few truly meaningful ones.
There’s something deeply painful about that, both on the receiving and the giving ends. It’s like you’re throwing away pieces of yourself never to be held, not really.
We can’t continue like this, or we’re doomed to walk a very lonely path.
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So sad.
So true.
So many.
So blue.
Years ago I came up with an idea for communities where friends in their 60s and 70s could have tiny houses on a “cul-de-farm” that would have a main gathering hall for cooking and eating and socializing, a nice outdoor play area for basketball and tennis (now it would have to have pickle ball) and a community farm.
While we were finishing our careers we could rent out the 10 or so houses for artists’ or writers’ retreats and then when we needed to downsize and move in, we could, having earned income off of the homes for a few years prior.
Then we could “walk each other home” for however long we were around. As one or two friends traveled we could let our families come and stay in their tiny houses for a bit, if need be.
It was a thought of a way to build community and not do that thing of dying alone or showing up on your kids’ doorstep. It seemed like a great plan for a dignified way of riding off into the sunset.
Haven’t made it happen yet. I think the good place to do it, now, with global harming, would be in MA. Gotta be near good docs. And the arts.
And a Trader Joe’s.
Who’s in?
I am a firm believer of public spaces where people can meet, or at least be around others. Third places is a term often used. Unfortunately, they are not well regarded in many areas. Places like public libraries are difficult to fund and build. I also wonder what role our car focused drive through culture plays? I live in a bit of a bubble from this, but when I venture out, I see it. The dominant way many people dine is to drive to a space, pick up and go home. Door dash and other services also appear to contribute. At this point it is difficult to do this, but simply slowing down, walking some place for a sandwich and or a coffee does wonders for the soul. If anyone reading hasn't tried that, give it a go. Slow down and have a lunch without looking at your phone. Walk there, if that is even possible where you live.