Thanks Katherine, I don't usually share my music too publicly (It's a little too raw for me to see the commentary). I listened to your vocal yesterday and enjoyed it. Music is such a direct connection and I appreciated you putting yours out there.
I can relate. I feel completely exposed when I do, especially something as raw as dry vocals. Appreciate the share, looking forward to listening! Excited that you're also into music.
A very poignant and relevant read, Katherine. You capture how I feel most of the time. You capture an emotional pandemic, whose seeds were planted years ago, made worse of course by the global pandemic. I struggle to free myself. Too shy, too insecure. So I retreat to Twitter and Substack, pretending to be content with this type of connection. Yet, in the real world, I am rarely more lonely than when I’m not alone. In rare get togethers, I ask questions of others to tfill the void of realizing they are not really asking questions or showing interest in return. Luckily, I now have a new job - wallpaper salesman. I love it! Anyway, thank you. This is a wonderful read and maybe a bit of a wake-up call to me.
A very poignant and relevant read, Katherine. You capture how I feel most of the time. You capture an emotional pandemic, whose seeds were planted years ago, made worse of course by the global pandemic. I struggle to free myself. Too shy, too insecure. So I retreat to Twitter and Substack, pretending to be content with this type of connection. Yet, in the real world, I am rarely more lonely than when I’m not alone. In rare get togethers, I ask questions of others to fill the void of realizing they are not really asking questions or showing interest in return. Luckily, I now have a new job - wallpaper salesman. I love it! Anyway, thank you. This is a wonderful read and maybe a bit of a wake-up call to me.
I just read your article on making connections. The last few days of my life have been the most emotionally draining of my 19 years of existing. I finally was able to be honest with my best friend. It was incredible scary, and I didn't want to risk losing our friendship, but at the same time, I didnt want our friendship to be anything but genuine, so I wrote her letter, and she responded really well to it. She told me I was her best friend too. We spent hours together today because she told me that she was so inspired by my honesty and openness to her that she was going to be honest with another friend, who is my friend as well. I helped her write down her feelings, and even though I have known her since August, and she has been my best friend since about September, I feel twice as close to her as I was before. I only read your article just now after all of this happened, and I thought it was an amazing coincidence, so I figured I would buy you a couple coffees and let you know that I really appreciate your writing, curiosuty, and intillectual honesty. I hope others appreciate your article as much as I do.
Very nice work, love it. Here are my two cents, the feedback, you may say, even sometimes you do not like them.
"We've got hundreds, and in some cases thousands, of acquaintances, but few real relationships." - this is absolutely normal, nothing to do with the digital world. It has always been that way and always will be. Each of us is so unique that it is remarkably hard to find a close match. Those are a few, and they are precious.
"... as result, they never get to know us. And we never get to know them." - and that is ok too. They are (and you) just not ready. We can not ask from someone more than he or she can give us.
"That's how you get closer. You create a space for each other to be your true selves." - yes, always.
"It is part of the human experience to seek to understand each other and ourselves, and perhaps ourselves through each other." - yes, everything and everyone that surround us is just a reflection of us. One way to " know" ourselves is through the eyes of others.
"But those connections require us to be awake." - yes, but to be awake, or at least to start walking toward awakening, we need to connect to our spiritual part, to the Divine "I AM." Maybe someday you will write about it too, will be curious to read.
I'll take your two cents. No refunds. Thank you for the comments.
I think you're correct that the digital world didn't make it so that we have few real relationships, but it certainly increased the number of acquaintances for many of us. Also I think we do invest less time on people in our lives and building communities. I say "we" but of course this does not apply to everyone. Appreciate all your other thoughts. Definitely worth a reflection. I think the spiritual part is still far away from my writing, at least for now, as I'm a bit on the disconnected side from that...unless my theory of "we're all connected" counts? Perhaps I can write about that someday. It's probably the closest to spirituality I can get, and interestingly when I've shared those thoughts, turns out there are some spiritual practices that do embody what I've arrived at...so, go figure? It might be interesting to also explore through a traveler's lens... I have explored many temples and other people's religions too. When I was younger, I even read many foundational texts to give me a sort of a cipher, especially when it comes to literary references, so I have some grasp, but it's more through other people's eyes and traditions.
Love your stuff. It is from a woman's perspective.
I am reading the latest edition of David Geary's "Male-Female - The Evolution of Human Sex Differences." I loved the last edition and have a top-ranked review on Amazon. I am blown away by how much I am learning this second time through.
Men and women are different in how we form relationships. I highly recommend giving it a read. Ask and I'll send a chapter to your email.
Thank you so much for reading, as always. What would you say is the difference in how men form connections or non-romantic relationship with others as opposed to women?
The key thesis is that we differ by our evolutionary background. Men evolved to form male coalitions for hunting and war. Families were more often patrilocal. These coalitions were often grounded in kin relations. The bigger the coalition, the more formidable the force in any case.
Women more often relocated to the men's tribe. They formed their relationships with other women – dyads.
Therefore, the thesis goes, men form broader circles of friends that are not as deep. We don't need as much emotional as logistical, physical support. We are not as attuned to reading faces, emotions, subtle clues.
Women have a few, deep friendships at a time. Ironically, these are somewhat fragile, breaking if one party feels something of a betrayal. Things men would tend to ignore.
These differences are supported by differences in hormone levels, brain structure, socialization and many other factors. They contributed to evolutionary fitness through sexual selection. It was dominant men - those who led coalitions - who left offspring. It was women who were competent in interpersonal relations whose children received the resources they needed to grow and succeed.
That's a few sentence gist. Main point: we are different.
My point - not in the book. Fitness is having children. We have evolved to the point that large percentages don't want them. Gender dysphoria, careers, etc. etc.
Thanks for sharing. I think there are differences, but I also think we attribute a bit too much to evolution at this point. In this modern day, I don't think those things play as much of a role. The existing physical differences, however, might. Might be interesting to survey men and women on their relationship building to get a sense of any differences. Anecdotally, I've actually observed more similarities, but, I think it's also important to get a bigger sample, make it anonymous, and ask the right questions.
Evolution formed us over millions of years. No doubt we are evolving more quickly today than at any time in our history. However, the traces of evolution remain very measurable. Bodily dimensions, hormone levels, incarceration rates... many things. The author, Geary, cites a vast number of studies such as you recommend. He states the results in language anybody can understand, such as "the average man throws faster and more accurately than 19 out of 20 women" or "the average male baby at six months looks at a toy truck longer than two out of three female babies."
You may not agree with Geary down the line, but you should be familiar with his work. He seems to be the go-to guy in the field. If you want somebody who writes to appeal to female readers, recommend instead Ashley Montagu or Melvin Konner, here
I wrote a song during the pandemic with the following lyric:
"They probably won't learn that lesson they could have learned a thousand times before.
And some people just stay outside even when you open up the door"
Some of what you wrote here is exactly what I meant with that 2nd line.
What a great lyric.
Thanks Katherine, I don't usually share my music too publicly (It's a little too raw for me to see the commentary). I listened to your vocal yesterday and enjoyed it. Music is such a direct connection and I appreciated you putting yours out there.
Here's a home recording if you care to listen.
https://soundcloud.com/montanacurt/whatcha-gonna-do
I can relate. I feel completely exposed when I do, especially something as raw as dry vocals. Appreciate the share, looking forward to listening! Excited that you're also into music.
A very poignant and relevant read, Katherine. You capture how I feel most of the time. You capture an emotional pandemic, whose seeds were planted years ago, made worse of course by the global pandemic. I struggle to free myself. Too shy, too insecure. So I retreat to Twitter and Substack, pretending to be content with this type of connection. Yet, in the real world, I am rarely more lonely than when I’m not alone. In rare get togethers, I ask questions of others to tfill the void of realizing they are not really asking questions or showing interest in return. Luckily, I now have a new job - wallpaper salesman. I love it! Anyway, thank you. This is a wonderful read and maybe a bit of a wake-up call to me.
A very poignant and relevant read, Katherine. You capture how I feel most of the time. You capture an emotional pandemic, whose seeds were planted years ago, made worse of course by the global pandemic. I struggle to free myself. Too shy, too insecure. So I retreat to Twitter and Substack, pretending to be content with this type of connection. Yet, in the real world, I am rarely more lonely than when I’m not alone. In rare get togethers, I ask questions of others to fill the void of realizing they are not really asking questions or showing interest in return. Luckily, I now have a new job - wallpaper salesman. I love it! Anyway, thank you. This is a wonderful read and maybe a bit of a wake-up call to me.
I just read your article on making connections. The last few days of my life have been the most emotionally draining of my 19 years of existing. I finally was able to be honest with my best friend. It was incredible scary, and I didn't want to risk losing our friendship, but at the same time, I didnt want our friendship to be anything but genuine, so I wrote her letter, and she responded really well to it. She told me I was her best friend too. We spent hours together today because she told me that she was so inspired by my honesty and openness to her that she was going to be honest with another friend, who is my friend as well. I helped her write down her feelings, and even though I have known her since August, and she has been my best friend since about September, I feel twice as close to her as I was before. I only read your article just now after all of this happened, and I thought it was an amazing coincidence, so I figured I would buy you a couple coffees and let you know that I really appreciate your writing, curiosuty, and intillectual honesty. I hope others appreciate your article as much as I do.
Very nice work, love it. Here are my two cents, the feedback, you may say, even sometimes you do not like them.
"We've got hundreds, and in some cases thousands, of acquaintances, but few real relationships." - this is absolutely normal, nothing to do with the digital world. It has always been that way and always will be. Each of us is so unique that it is remarkably hard to find a close match. Those are a few, and they are precious.
"... as result, they never get to know us. And we never get to know them." - and that is ok too. They are (and you) just not ready. We can not ask from someone more than he or she can give us.
"That's how you get closer. You create a space for each other to be your true selves." - yes, always.
"It is part of the human experience to seek to understand each other and ourselves, and perhaps ourselves through each other." - yes, everything and everyone that surround us is just a reflection of us. One way to " know" ourselves is through the eyes of others.
"But those connections require us to be awake." - yes, but to be awake, or at least to start walking toward awakening, we need to connect to our spiritual part, to the Divine "I AM." Maybe someday you will write about it too, will be curious to read.
I'll take your two cents. No refunds. Thank you for the comments.
I think you're correct that the digital world didn't make it so that we have few real relationships, but it certainly increased the number of acquaintances for many of us. Also I think we do invest less time on people in our lives and building communities. I say "we" but of course this does not apply to everyone. Appreciate all your other thoughts. Definitely worth a reflection. I think the spiritual part is still far away from my writing, at least for now, as I'm a bit on the disconnected side from that...unless my theory of "we're all connected" counts? Perhaps I can write about that someday. It's probably the closest to spirituality I can get, and interestingly when I've shared those thoughts, turns out there are some spiritual practices that do embody what I've arrived at...so, go figure? It might be interesting to also explore through a traveler's lens... I have explored many temples and other people's religions too. When I was younger, I even read many foundational texts to give me a sort of a cipher, especially when it comes to literary references, so I have some grasp, but it's more through other people's eyes and traditions.
Love your stuff. It is from a woman's perspective.
I am reading the latest edition of David Geary's "Male-Female - The Evolution of Human Sex Differences." I loved the last edition and have a top-ranked review on Amazon. I am blown away by how much I am learning this second time through.
Men and women are different in how we form relationships. I highly recommend giving it a read. Ask and I'll send a chapter to your email.
Thank you so much for reading, as always. What would you say is the difference in how men form connections or non-romantic relationship with others as opposed to women?
The key thesis is that we differ by our evolutionary background. Men evolved to form male coalitions for hunting and war. Families were more often patrilocal. These coalitions were often grounded in kin relations. The bigger the coalition, the more formidable the force in any case.
Women more often relocated to the men's tribe. They formed their relationships with other women – dyads.
Therefore, the thesis goes, men form broader circles of friends that are not as deep. We don't need as much emotional as logistical, physical support. We are not as attuned to reading faces, emotions, subtle clues.
Women have a few, deep friendships at a time. Ironically, these are somewhat fragile, breaking if one party feels something of a betrayal. Things men would tend to ignore.
These differences are supported by differences in hormone levels, brain structure, socialization and many other factors. They contributed to evolutionary fitness through sexual selection. It was dominant men - those who led coalitions - who left offspring. It was women who were competent in interpersonal relations whose children received the resources they needed to grow and succeed.
That's a few sentence gist. Main point: we are different.
My point - not in the book. Fitness is having children. We have evolved to the point that large percentages don't want them. Gender dysphoria, careers, etc. etc.
Thanks for sharing. I think there are differences, but I also think we attribute a bit too much to evolution at this point. In this modern day, I don't think those things play as much of a role. The existing physical differences, however, might. Might be interesting to survey men and women on their relationship building to get a sense of any differences. Anecdotally, I've actually observed more similarities, but, I think it's also important to get a bigger sample, make it anonymous, and ask the right questions.
Evolution formed us over millions of years. No doubt we are evolving more quickly today than at any time in our history. However, the traces of evolution remain very measurable. Bodily dimensions, hormone levels, incarceration rates... many things. The author, Geary, cites a vast number of studies such as you recommend. He states the results in language anybody can understand, such as "the average man throws faster and more accurately than 19 out of 20 women" or "the average male baby at six months looks at a toy truck longer than two out of three female babies."
You may not agree with Geary down the line, but you should be familiar with his work. He seems to be the go-to guy in the field. If you want somebody who writes to appeal to female readers, recommend instead Ashley Montagu or Melvin Konner, here
https://grahamseibert.substack.com/p/review-of-women-after-all